The dwelling of a thoughtless teenager

Friday, September 22, 2006

Another stab into my heart

Almost amonth since the last tome I wrote on this. Nothing much has changed since I last wrote an entry. Just the usual dribble again. No one ever reads this so theres no point in keeping it. Unless I can start having a comment or two then I might consider letting people know whats going on in my sad depressed mind. College has yet again settled on my mind. The future as well has taken over my thoughts again. Leah being gone over half a continent doesnt help either. I wish somebody would help me understand whats going on around me. Has anybody been put in a situation where somebody you love is saying that they want to go far away and only come back on certain days? On top of that, say that you cant be in a relationship type thing anymore? I wonder if there somebody out there who knows what I'm going through. I want to understand why I cant encourage her to go to pepperdine. Why cant I tell her that is great and you should shoot for your dreams.No, I have to be the one to say "dont go". I think its because I'm scarred of losing her. I'm afraid she will find somebody elese when this happens and I'm scarred I'm going to be forgotten. Why doesnt anybody want to take my side on this. Of course shes going to fall in love with the place. Who wouldnt love the one place they've alwaysed dreamed about!? The one thing that I truely love the most is walking out of my life and all I can do is watch it slip away and fade. All of my dreams I just want to throw on stand by and wait. I want to be the one always there for her! I want to be the one to take care of her and I want o support her in everything! I know that this sounds like its contridicting itself but right now I'm lost and confused. I dont know how to handle this situation. I dont want to lose the one thing that has put my life back on the right road. I dont ever want to lose that. I need somebody to explain things for me and help me figure out what I should do. Its not fair at all! I dont want to be the one person forgotten! I cant let that happen but I feel as if it is. Its not fair that I cant have a say in this at all. Its also not fair that I'm asking her to walk away from something she wants.I know I'm a selfish person and I'm horrified that I'm wanting her to destroy a dream. I just dont know what I would do if the worst case scenario happened for me. I want some logical advice I want somebody to tell me what the future has. I want to know if I'm driving myself insane and this is all just a horrible dream that wont end!These past couple days have been horrible for me. i cant think about anything else but what could happen.I'm extremely stressed out and want everything to just stop and freeze for the next couple years and everything will be fine. i want to wake up and see that this was all my imagination and I shouldnt have worried so much about it.

Posted by Caboose :: 9:02 PM :: 0 Comments:

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